Instructions for washing a dog

So tonight, after inhaling the aroma from Kiera for almost 2 weeks now I decided it was time for a BATH. To say Kiera doesn't like bathes is to say Angus is a trite skittish.

Step by step instructions follow:

1. Gather supplies, you will need at least 2 large clean towels, shampoo and something to dip water with.
2. Start running nice warm water in the tub
3. Get Kiera (Huske-German Shepherd mix foster dog) into bathroom.
4. Close bathroom door to keep others out (Are you kidding? They won't come near the room with water running unless its ME in the tub!) and to keep Kiera IN.
5. Try to lift the 50-60lb dog into tub. She promptly gets rubber back legs that gracefully collapse into a very good lay down.
6. Try again. Again, the front legs go up but don't quite go INTO the tub, back legs collapse down. Gosh my back is starting to hurt!
7. With herculean effort we manage to get (her paws are splayed out at this point) the front feet into the tub! HOORAH!
8. Now the back and hindquarters get lifted in to tub. Did you know Kiera can make her back end weigh more then her front end? Well, she can!
9. At this point I am telling her she had best be grateful we aren't outside using the COLD water hose, but in a fairly clean tub with warm water! I don't think she's buying it.
10. Wet down the dog. Yeah, she loves that... NOT
11. Squeeze out a generous amount of shampoo onto said dog's back.
12. Rub briskly, may have to add more water as you go along to get a good lather. Move onto the sides, underbelly, legs, neck, head and tail. Oh yeah, she LOVES getting her ears washed.
13. Use more shampoo as required. The conditioning shampoos work nicely and smells much better then what ever was all over her.
14. Once we are done soaping the dog, begin the rinse procedure. Remember to keep pushing dog back into tub. A body blocking move is required here, just remember to stay in front of the dogs head to prevent escape.
15. With your dipping device, (now why the hell didn't I get something bigger then this little thing?) scoop water up and onto the dog, rinsing away the soap suds. Since the dog may have a thick coat (hell I wish I had that much hair) you will have to scoop enough times to get the soap out down to the skin. So why the heck did I use so much shampoo?
16. Once the dog is rinsed properly, get your bath mat out onto the floor so you can assist her onto it from the tub. Instead, she jumps out and promptly shakes all over everything. By this point I could be a fill in for the wet t-shirt contest, except for the fact I have a bra on because otherwise. . .er-umm. . . hang to the...well you get the idea.
17. Once the darling dog has shaken her self, clean off your glasses and find the towels, sit down on the ceramic floor you so lovingly laid last summer-OH CRAP there is a ton of water on the floor and you are sitting in it! Well you are wet already what's a bit more? Begin to vigorously wipe down the dog. Hmmm remember all that hair? Yep, takes a while. She is being very helpful at laying down like a good girl. Geesh, the bathroom is steamy!
18. Once you have the dog basically, partially, sort of dried off you carefully open the door to the rest of the house. At this point, Kiera bursts out of the bathroom and hauls hinny down the hall.
19. Empty the water from the tub, mop up the floor.
20. Head to living room to observe newly cleaned dog rubbing herself all over your couch. Right where I am about to sit. Did I mention she was still a trite wet?
21. She's resting now from her ordeal, I'm pouring a beverage and in just a few minutes I will jump up and clean the bathroom, then still sipping my beverage I will take a long soaking bath in the gleaming clean tub. And NO Kiera cannot have any of my wine!

-- Debbie Gring